Biwen Su

To Emma, who inspired me to write this post.

I try to write every day, yet it barely happens. I try to write a long and compelling work of fiction, yet it never has.

I just feel like writing is so hard. It’s like climbing a huge mountain; when I imagine the highest peak, I’m afraid to even start.

Today, Emma asked for my email and sent me another person’s blog. I read it and thought, “That’s not so hard. I can certainly do that.”

Often, I set the highest standard for myself. I feel that if I’m going to do something, I have to be the best. But thinking that way just makes me keep procrastinating.

Writing this now, I can breathe and feel a sense of relief. This is a good start.

mma also inspired me to travel to Hawaii, and Hawaii opened up my mind.

I’ve always thought about going, but people kept telling me, “Hawaii is expensive, don’t go!” “Expensive” is such a terrifying word; it scares me. Financial insecurity is no joke.

But Emma told me about a women’s hostel there. She said, “It’s only $44 a night, what’s to lose? If you can afford NYC, you can certainly afford Hawaii.” She was right—very logical and convincing. So I booked a flight, round trip, for $600. My total accommodation cost only $1,000. And it was a life-changing experience.

I saw the ocean, a real ocean, not just a coastline or some random beach. I’ve seen many beaches in my lifetime; they were yellow, or grey, or just some weird color that never attracted me. They terrified me instead—polluted water with unknown things underwater.

The Hawaiian oceans and mountains are truly different. They are grand and borderless. The ocean is so blue, green, clean, clear, and beautiful. It inspired in me the feeling that the world is abundant, and beautiful nature makes me feel small: a humble human living on this beautiful earth.

Hawaii gave me more courage to explore this world. There are so many possibilities. To say this as a New Yorker might sound strange. People might say New York has so much to offer, and it’s true. But New York is also so hard. It’s a tough city, and to survive here isn’t easy. It’s so easy to get lost in the daily struggle, anxiety, frustration, and depression.

Traveling is a luxury because it refreshes our minds and bodies; we get to reset our systems. People who cannot travel can get stuck in their lives more easily.

Emma also inspired me to listen to Lorde. I listened to Lorde when I was 15, right when the album was a hit. I was in China, in my first year of high school, and our school played Lorde all the time during the lunch break. But I was busy studying. We had eight intense classes and exams every day. I didn’t have the mental capacity to enjoy music.

This year, I’m 28, and because of Emma, my coolest friend, I listened to Lorde again. I found myself so connected to her. I feel her emotions, her depth, her ups and downs, and even her thoughts. I love her outfits: she is always in pants; she never dresses like a princess or a showgirl on stage. She wears her daily outfits on stage, and that inspires me a lot.

Growing up as a girl, I didn’t get much guidance from my parents on how to dress or the message that I could just be myself. I feel like living in China, or in East Asian countries, there are certain rules to follow. I felt I had to dress like a “girl” to be a girl. I tried to be socially acceptable and traditionally feminine. A lot of showgirls gave me pressure about how to dress because men liked that, because guys I dated liked that. So I bought a bunch of dresses I didn’t even like. I was just trying to “fit in.”

But when I see Lorde, I feel more confident in myself. There is no certain way to live or to dress. I can be myself.

“To be myself” is my biggest culture shock in NYC. I still remember the many times I asked my guy friends how to attract men, and they’d say, “There are no strategies. Just be yourself.” In my whole life, in Chinese society and my upbringing, there was no “be yourself” concept. My parents and teachers always said, “Look at your neighbors/friends/classmates. Learn from them.”

Deep down, it’s Confucius. Confucianism is like the East Asian Bible. Its core value is to succeed and improve: 修身治国平天下 “to cultivate one’s moral character, to manage one’s family, to govern one’s country, and to bring peace to the world.”

My Korean friend N said she has to spend more time reading English books. She tries to read translations when she can, but when it comes to love, she always reads the English version because there are so many concepts about love that can’t even be translated into Korean. It’s the same in Chinese. We have more social disciplines to follow; we are always asking ourselves what to follow and who to follow.

This is my biggest culture shock, and I am still a work in progress. I have a lot of daily struggles, but I am blessed to have friends around me who remind me that I can be myself and still be lovable.